Hi again.
I'm not going to post about my journey. I just want to write down my frustration and that's it.
Lately I'm having some emotional breakdown which I keep in myself for a very long time. I didn't dare to tell anyone, not even to the people closest to me. (sounds scary daa)
I'm scared. very scared, of the future. Which path should i take, what should I do next, is this decision good for my future, should I do this, should I talk to people about this, bla bla. yea.
I used to be the kind of person who just stick to one plan, listen to myself, quickly make decision, cried for hours just to get my head clear, and one moment, boom! I know what to do and no matter what will happen, I'm gonna make sure I get what I want.
Now I just hate myself. For not being able to think straight. For being this troubled. For having too many voices inside my head and it's driving me nuts. I'm almost 25 now. It's either I should get a job now, or further my study, or getting married and be happy.
Come on. Life is not like finding prince, meet the fairy, make your wish and dreams come true, and then happy ever after. derr, it's not THAT simple.
*sigh*
great news. I passed my university entrance exam. *yeay clap hands pap pap* ceh.
bad news. I don't want to live a zombie life anymore. Not with this research that I don't have any idea what I'm doing now and I'm pretty sure I wasted my time doing something I don't like.
Next question. what should I do?
A. find another kenkyu. In the same university.
B. find other university. Be ready to face the zombie juken
C. find jobs in japan. yeah, another zombie life, SHUKATSU.
D. go back malaysia babe! find job, consider to further study and think how to find the money to pay for the tuition fees and living fee.
Gee, IF only I can peek the answer sheet and see which one is the correct answer.
See, I've searched in the internet for option A and B.
[A] I'm only interested in one research lab. But not that interested. Not really feel like I'm willing to sacrifice anything for the sake of being the member of that research lab. The point is, I passed the exam already. All i have to do is meet oni, (read prev entry) and imagine what he'll say to my face later. No further comments.
[B] Get ready to pay another RM1000, stay up and live a crazy zombie life for the juken week, final presentation, and stressing bih-zy lovely February. But I like few of the research there. Probably worth it. Some people even say, even if Malaysia won't support us for the scholarship, we can still live because we can apply for other jap scholarships. Who knows i'll be living a more happy kenkyu life? Who knows.
Scholarship part, I'll just think about it later. The problem is, if I'm considering for plan B, I have to give up on plan A and take the risk. I'm just not ready for that, not yet. As I told you before, I'm too scared.
I just wish I can just stop trying and I want my life after that to be easy and smoooth. Ehhem. I wonder if people living a happy ever after do exist in real life. I mean, every living creature have different path right? Rezeki masing-masing. (Apa aku merepek ni haa)
The point is, aku takut gila. Too scaredy cat to make the damn decision. I just want to live a happy life. Study what I like. Play musics. Have fun with friends. Chillax and drink coffee in nice cafes. Go travel. Fall in love with a right guy. Eh. Merepek lagi.
I need courage. I need somebody to hold my hand, stay with me and tell me I'll be fine. I just need a shoulder to cry on, I want to hug somebody. I'm not strong.
I just want to go back, give up on my dreams, and most important thing is, I need someone, the right people to slap me right on my face and tell me this is not who I am. I'm a strong, independent lady. I'm going to choose one path and no matter what happens after that, it is my destiny and I don't have to be afraid. Because HE always knows what's best for me. Regardless of what decision I made.
